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February 03, 2014

Loss - A New Perspective


Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines LOSS as the:

     1.     Failure to keep or to continue to have something

     2.   The experience of having something taken from you or destroyed

     3.   The act of losing possession

Almost from the beginning I have struggled with the notion of loss. 

When my son David died of addiction at the age of 16 I desperately wanted to cling to every aspect of his being.  I was so blinded by my grief that I was incapable of being able to see beyond the sudden and seemingly irrevocable absence of his physical presence.  The touch of his hand, his breath on my cheek, the sounds of his voice and that impish smile of his that never failed to melt my heart…and bend me to his will, all were my constant companions.  And yet it seemed that he was gone in the blur of an instant, irretrievable, and beyond the scope of this mortal existence.  And so in the first couple of years after his death I railed against the powers that be for “taking him away” from me until I was overcome with my own addiction and forced to admit that I was not only powerless over drugs and alcohol but over life and death as well.

I sought treatment at the same place David did, found recovery and in doing so slowly began to reconstruct the meaning of not only my view of life but also of loss and death. I didn’t realize it at first but I had embarked upon an odyssey of living not only a new life free of drugs and alcohol, but one of emotional and psychological spirituality that knows no bounds.  A spirituality not unlike the universe of the “Big Bang Theory” where my recovery life continues to expand exponentially at the speed of light bringing me to new understandings with the passing whisper of its wisdom.

An integral part of that new wisdom is that I now know that I never “lost” my Dave; he hasn’t been “taken from me”.  In fact he is part of me more than ever today on a plane of existence I was incapable of feeling, seeing or understanding before.  He is part of not only my spirituality but also my higher power and as such I seek his companionship, wisdom and intercession on a daily and sometimes moment to moment basis. 

Today I hear his voice in the struggles of a young man early in his journey of recovery and feel his strength in a sponsee taking a 6 month token.  I see his smile in the face of a young woman who has just realized she is not alone and the hope of two parents who have lived in fear for far too long because of their son or daughter’s addiction.  

Finally today I have hope, joy and gratitude for the “continued presence” of my son who has and is showing me not only the path for recovery from my own addiction but to new understandings and appreciation of life, with the on-going whispers of his wisdom.

February 3, 2014 at 04:37 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack