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February 03, 2006

The Unspeakable

To my everlasting regret I was 1500 miles away from home the day that David died. 

Powerless, hopeless, impotent, helpless, and forsaken are words that just begin to lift the fabric of despair that blanketed me when I first got the call that he was dead. I am grateful, however, that my son Josh was at his mother’s side on that tragic day.  Together they faced the first unspeakable moments of a mother and a brother’s worst nightmare.  It took me almost nine hours to fly back from Phoenix to Indianapolis.  Nine hours of desolation, the longest and loneliest trip of my life.

For the first few days we had no words for each other, the unspeakable had rendered us mute in the midst of our tears.  Slowly and painfully we regained our voice yet the unspeakable only allowed us to murmur pat and empty phrases that were more for the comfort of others than ourselves…since there was no comforting us. 

Several months passed before Marissa first broached the unspeakable with me.  “When you are ready,” she said, “I will tell you what happened that day.”  But the unspeakable still possessed me, still gripped my heart…and I declined.  “Thank you but no,” I whispered quietly, “but soon…I will let you know when.” 

In the end it was more than a year before I was able to hear the story of the unspeakable and when she was finished, we cried together as we have countless times in the years since…and will in the years to come.

You see the unspeakable and the grief are like addiction…you never get over it…it simply becomes a part of who you are. 

February 3, 2006 at 10:53 PM in The Unspeakable | Permalink

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