Parent Partners: Making an Impact

Everywhere And No Where

Those first few days...weeks...and months following my son's death from inhalant abuse at 16 I felt  like a derelict ship in a gale force storm battered constantly from all sides by a relentless and merciless sea.  My son was everywhere around me and no where all at the same time.  Memories crashed upon me without warning from all aspects of my existence, sights, sounds, tastes and touches.  I was powerless to prevent them from bringing me to my knees as tears flowed and sobs took my breath away.

My wife called them blindsides but to me they were more like emotional land-mines because they seemed to blow me to pieces when I came upon totally unawares.  It happened a lot that first year.  To say that I missed David does not even begin to describe the emptiness I felt in my soul or the pain that emanated from my heart whose pace had once quickened at the sound of his voice, his footsteps on the stairs taking them two at a time or the gaze from his hazel eyes. 

But slowly, over time the pain has dulled and I find that I have become better at controlling  or anticipating what causes the explosion.  It does not mean that I am "over" David's death or that I have "moved on", no parent who has lost a child can ever do that.  What I did find that worked for me was that overtime I slowly began to integrated his death into my own being.  My memories of Dave have become my soul and today I can once again take refuge there and let the glimpses of the past roam freely in my subconscious without the pain of grief.  His memory also became the light in my heart that had been so tragically and brutally snuffed out that warm sunny day in June so many years ago. 

And most remarkable of all, today the land-minds and the blindsides have become moments of serenity and comfort for me because I do not fear them anymore.  Today I embrace them and by doing so find that at those moments David is more near than ever, touching my cheek and whispering in my ear..."Love ya Dad".

Inhalant Abuse And War

An odd confluence of events has led to a rise in inhalant abuse among a population that has not previously been considered "at risk".  America soldiers in an unpopular war, in countries dominated by muslim theology whose teachings forbid the use of alcohol and drugs, coupled with strict US military policies prohibiting the use of drugs and alcohol have for sometime now been turning to inhalants as a way to get high and escape the fog of war.  As most probation and treatment professionals know when abstinence policies are strictly enforced inhalants, which are cheap, easy and accessible, become a likely substitute.  Add to the equation  the fact that troops have more high tech gear in this war that requires constant cleaning with products like computer dusters and it's no wonder soldiers have been abusing inhalants since the invasion of Afganistan.

The recent death of a decorated returning Iraq war veteran suffering from PTSD who turned to inhalants as a means to help cope with his disorder is a warning to us all that some of our young men returning from the overseas may be bringing home more than just their memories of war.

I'm Sorry

It was 11 months from when we first discovered that David had a serious substance abuse problem until his death in a drug related drowning.  Just 335 days...8040 hours mark the distance and the difference between joy and hope...grief and despair.

In my family growing up we said "I love you" a lot, and so it was that the last conversation I had with David the night before his death my final words to him were "I love you David" and his last words to me were "love you Dad."   In the months and years since his loss I have played that exchange over in my mind thousands of times. I still hear his voice speaking those words as if he were standing beside me whispering in my ear.

I know how lucky I am to have been able to say those four words to him...and in the years since his death they have brought me great comfort in some of my darkest hours.  But I have also come to understand that there are still things that I never had the chance to say to him.  Prominant among them are the words "I'm sorry." 

So if you will allow me...

David my beautiful boy...

• I'm sorry you never knew your grandmother...
• I'm sorry I didn't know enough about baseball to be a better coach to you
• I'm sorry that I hovered too much...
• I'm sorry that I didn't listen more...
• I sorry we never got to see a Pink Floyd concert together...
• I'm sorry instead of helping you with you homework I sometimes did it for you...
• I am sorry I sometimes drank too much...
• I am sorry for the time we argued and you got so mad you hit me...
• I'm sorry I didn't know how much you struggled with addiction......
• I'm sorry that I tried to be more of a friend at times than a father...
• I'm sorry I offered you a beer when you were in recovery...
• I am sorry I was away when you died...

John Denver got it right when he wrote:

"More than anything else I'm sorry for myself for living without you"

Understanding the Teen Brain, A Guide for Parents

Yesterday marked the 7th anniversary of our son David's death at the age of 16 from substance abuse and while we spent the day as we always do honoring his struggle by working with young people still stuggling with the disease we also were pleased to learn that a project we have been working on will be announced this week. For sometime now Marissa and I have been involved with the Partnership for a Drug Free America (PDFA) in a new initiative called the Parent Resource Center. The PRC is a blending of the advertising expertise of PDFA, the reasearch expertise of the Treatment Research Institute at the University of Pennsylvania and the Parent Advisory Board composed of parents whose adolescents and young adults have struggled with the disease of addiction. This cooperative venture began two years ago and on June 11th will unvail the first online parenting tool called "A Parents Guide to the Teen Brain." Developed in conjunction with WGBH TV Boston, the tool translates recent scientific findings about how brain development shapes teen behavior into easy to understand tips and tools for parents.  Follow this link to the Teen Brain site and please let me know what you think of the site and how we can make it better.

www.drugfree.org/teenbrain

On June 11th The Partnership for a Drug Free America held a Virtual Press Conference Announcing Launch of “A Parent’s Guide to the Teen Brain”

- New Site to Help Parents Decode Teen Behavior and Connect with their Kids

- Release of the 20th annual Partnership Attitude Tracking Study

WHAT It Is About: The Partnership for a Drug Free America will debut their newest online parenting tool: “A Parent’s Guide to the Teen Brain.” The site launch also coincides with the release of the 20th annual Partnership Attitude Tracking Study (PATS), a survey of parents’ attitudes about drugs and alcohol. 

WHY We Did It:  For every parent of a teenager who has ever wondered “who is this kid?” the website aims to make answering that question easier. Designed to help parents navigate the confusing, often frustrating teen years, “A Parent’s Guide to the Teen Brain” translates recent scientific findings that shed light on how brain development shapes teens’ behavior and personalities into easy-to-understand tips and tools for parents.

The site explains that the human brain takes 25 years to fully develop, with areas responsible for complex judgment and decision-making maturing last. Through video, humorous interactive segments, role-playing and advice from experts, parents learn how adolescent brain development explains the “normal” teen behaviors that often confound parents—impulsiveness, rebellion, high emotions and risk-taking, especially with drugs and alcohol—and how to use this new information to connect with their teens.

The 2007 PATS study shows that as kids become teenagers, their parents need for information and help talking about drugs and alcohol peaks, and parents’ confidence in their ability to keep kids from using drugs and alcohol begins to wane.

WHO Participated: A distinguished panel of experts will participate in a discussion about “A Parent’s

           Guide to the Teen Brain including:

·         Steve Pasierb:  President and Chief Executive Officer of the Partnership for a Drug Free America

·         Ken Winters, Ph.D.: director of the Center for Adolescent Substance Abuse Research, a Professor in the Department of Psychiatry at the University of Minnesota, and a Senior Scientist with the Treatment Research Institute, Philadelphia, PA.

·         Tara Paterson: certified parenting coach, mother of three, founder of the Mom’s Choice Awards (which honor excellence in family friendly media, products and services), author of the upcoming book Raising Intuitive Children and contributor to justformom.com.

 

Highlights of the Virtual Press Conference will include:

·         Detailed explanation/run through of “A Parents Guide to the Teen Brain”

·         Explanation about the links between teen behavior and the physiological changes happening in the teen brain

·         Explanation of findings from the 2007 PATS study

·         Discussion of how to apply the scientific findings about the teen brain to real life

·         Valuable insight from a parent and parenting coach

To download video of the webcast in broadcast quality format please visit the coordinates below:

Galaxy 26 Transponder 1 C BAND Analog

Downlink frequency is 3720 Vertica

Beta copies can be requested as well, but will require additional time for delivery.

                                                                                                                        

Media Contacts:    Judy Klein, o: 212-251-1204, m: 917-282-9352, e:  jklein@ckpr.biz

                             Paul Costiglio, o: 212-973-3530, m: 917-686-8697, e: paul_costiglio@drugfree.org

For more information about the Partnership for a Drug-Free America, visit www.drugfree.org.

Forgive Me Crystal Meth

Crystal meth, my love of my life

Remembering all the good times and bad

Yet I still admire you in every way

Stupid for using everyday.

Today is the day, I've got to forgive you

All because I want to break away.

Left you behind now, never thought I would

Mest up my life, took everything away

Expected nothing, just wanted your high

Todays the day, never thought it would be here.

Have a nice life, forgive me meth.

17 Year Old Recovering Methamphetamine Addict

David Sheff's Beautiful Boy

I received an email more than a year ago from a father who had read an article about me that appeared in a national magazine.  He wrote that his oldest son had struggled with substance abuse for many years and described briefly the damage and emotional price he and his family had paid and continued to.  He thanked me for sharing my story about losing my David and asked if I would do him the honor of allowing him to send a copy of his book that he had written about his own family's journey.  I agreed, told him how much I appreciated his kind words and spent the next couple of months waiting for the book to arrive. 

It never did and I eventually forgot the email exchange until 6 weeks ago.  A package arrived in the mail from the publisher Houghton Mifflin, and when I tore it open the book entitled "Beautiful Boy" slid out into my hands.  A small card fell from the pages that read "With the compliments of the Author" and I suddenly remembered the email exchange so many months before with David Sheff.

As I drew out the book Beautiful Boy my heart was rife with emotions. Feelings of joy, gratitude, dread and envy swarmed around me as I thumbed through the pages. Joy that he had finished his opus.  Gratitude that he had remembered me from so many months before.  Dread because I knew that each page would hold for me …remembrance…delight…grief…laughter…pain…solace… and anguish.   And finally there was envy...envy that he still had his son and could write about his continuing recovery while my own writings are about loss, grief and unfulfilled dreams.

Beautiful Boy is a beautiful, honest, heart wrenching yet engrossing memoir of one family's odyssey through the uncharted and tempest tossed passage that is the disease of addiction.  It chronicles the path that millions of families trod every day which often begins seemingly innocently with the first discovery of an empty liquor bottle or a bag of pot.  It is inevitably followed by denial of the problem by parent and adolescent alike that seems to grows as the evidence of abuse mounts.  Anger comes next when we can no longer escape the fact that addiction has a hold of our young person.  Bargaining and despair often ensues when we recognize that we are powerless over our child's addiction and that it has made our lives and theirs unmanageable.  And finally, if  we are fortunate through the help of treatment professionals,12 step programs and others who have been this way before we reach acceptance that the disease of addiction is indeed cunning, baffling, powerful, patient, and that in the end we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it.

For me the most affirming aspect of David Sheff's tender narrative is the way that it ends with the acknowledgment that his son Nic's struggle with addiction is a day to day proposition and that it will always be that way.  David's journey to the level of awareness that Recovery is lifelong hard work for all of us who are addicts, as well as those who love us, is at times painful and agonizing.  Yet therein lies the very essence of Beautiful Boy's message that through this odyssey called addiction there can be understanding and that with understanding there can be a rekindling of hope.  Hope that had not been lost to us but clouded by despair, denial, anger and pain.

Beautiful Boy may seem to many to be just about the collateral damage  and havoc of addiction but for those of us who have walked this path with David and Nic we know that in the end there will always be love and that hope does indeed spring eternal.

What Steps Do I Take If My Child Is Using Drugs?

We first discovered that David had a serious problem with alcohol and marijuana when he was 15.  Like many parents who make this initial determination we thought that now we were aware of the problem that vigilance would solve everything.  But we were wrong.

Early on there was much we didn't understand about addiction especially the fact that by the time David began to get careless enough with his drug use that we became aware of it, his use was already at a very serious level. 

So what do you do when you discover that your adolescents drug use has gone beyond experimentation and may have progressed to addiction?

Here is a list of 24 suggestions of what to do next from  The 24 Group who believe that:

• Addiction is a biological disease and as such should carry no social shame or stigma.
• There is effective treatment for addiction.
• Treatment should be available to all regardless of socio-economic status or access to insurance.
• Family education and support enhances treatment effectiveness and success for the adolescent/young adult.
• Addiction is a family disease; parents and other family members need their own treatment and support to achieve and maintain recovery from the devastating effects of this disease.
• Staying connected with a treatment program enhances chances of long-term success.

24 Steps to Take if Your Adolescent is Using Drugs or Alcohol

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1. Have your adolescent evaluated by a professional drug counselor or treatment facility
2. Immediately admit your child to a drug treatment program if it is recommended
3. Educate yourself and your family about the disease of addiction
4. Seek family counseling from a group or a professional specializing in addiction
5. Consider attending Al-Anon or Al-A-Teen meetings
6. Understand that addiction will lead to prison, institutions or death if not treated
7. Understand that no one has any control over the addicted adolescent except the addict
8. Do not give your adolescent cash or credit cards
9. Recognize that addicted adolescents have a disease and do not reason the same way as non-addicted teens
10. Do not make excuses for your adolescent’s behavior; let the natural consequences of their actions occur
11. Do not feel guilty about your parenting skills, your child made the decision to abuse drugs
12. Realize that emotional maturity in addicted adolescents stops from the time they begin their drug or alcohol use
13. Set and communicate clear behavior standards for the adolescent to live by while living in your home, no fuzzy or gray areas
14. Hold the addicted adolescent accountable for their actions
15. Consider suspending their driving privileges until the teen achieves sobriety
16. If the adolescent is facing legal problems, do not intervene, let the natural consequences occur
17. Be wary of the addict’s skills at manipulating people and events
18. Consider removing or securing all alcohol, narcotic prescription medication, cold medication, etc. from your home
19. Realize that addiction is a life long disease that cannot be cured, but can be treated
20. All family members should try to be of the same mind set when setting behavioral expectations for the teen, and when holding them accountable
21. Realize that addiction is a family disease that has a negative impact on all members of the family
22. The addicted adolescents recovery is his program, you should not try to work harder than the teen at that program
23. Relapses are common, recovery is achieved one small step at a time
24. Learn to live life with an addict one day at a time, and be grateful for the time you have together

How Do I Tell If My Child Is Using Drugs?

Parents and family members often ask me "how do I tell if my child is using drugs."  Two years ago we joined with several other parents whose children have struggled with substance abuse to form The 24 Group who mission is that we believe those touched by addiction in adolescence and young adulthood deserve support and advocacy. Because current resources are inadequate, The 24 Group exists to provide a means for those in need of addiction education and recovery support. 

As part of that mission we developed a list of 24 warning signs based upon our personal experience.

24 Warning Signs of Adolescent Drug or Alcohol Addiction

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1. Loss of interest in hobbies, sports or other favorite activities
2. School grades have declined dramatically
3. Difficult time concentrating on tasks
4. Change in sleeping patterns, up all-night or sleeping all day
5. Withdrawn, depressed, tired, careless, or manipulative
6. Hostile, disrespectful, untruthful, and uncooperative
7. Relationships with family members and friends has deteriorated
8. Money is missing from the household
9. An increase in borrowing money from family members and friends
10. Physical health has declined, bloodshot eyes, bulging veins, runny nose
11. Dramatic mood swings
12. Missing prescription drugs, cold medicines, alcohol, aerosol containers in the home
13. Increased secrecy about possessions or activities
14. Personal hygiene has deteriorated
15. Dramatic weight loss
16. Finding drug paraphernalia hidden in the home, pipes, rolling papers, eye drops, butane lighters, soft drink containers made in to pipes, etc.
17. Inhalant products, rags, computer duster, paint, nail polish, paper or plastic bags etc. hidden in the home
18. Truancy and tardiness to school or a job
19. Changes in fashion, hairstyle, use of breath mints, fascination with the drug culture
20. Sudden change in friends, numerous secretive phone calls
21. Use of room deodorant or incense in their room
22. Physically abusive, aggressive, punching holes in walls, etc.
23. Has anyone told you that your child is using drugs?
24. Odd phone calls, sneaking out of the house, etc.

Someone Else To Love

I didn’t want another child. 

When our first son Josh was born in 1981 it was a magical event which changed our lives dramatically and irrevocably.  The so called “honeymoon” period of our early married years, where we only were accountable to ourselves, ended abruptly for now our world revolved around our baby son.   And while I was captivated and obsessed with every sound and movement of this tiny human,jealousy and resentment grew within me toward the interloper who demanded and received undivided attention from his mother…my wife, my lover and my closest friend.

So when Josh was two and my wife suggested that he needed a brother my reaction was strong and selfish, fearful that another child would add to the distance and alienation that had already deeply wounded my pride and self-esteem.  Realizing that my insecurities were being exposed I offered weak excuses for my resistance to the idea of having another child in hopes of deflected attention away from the hurt that I felt.  “I am really happy with one child.  Being an only child is not so bad.  Maybe we should wait a little while longer”, I whined.  But at the core there was an even greater fear which I finally blurted out one evening after we had put Josh to bed.  “What if I don’t have enough love for another child…I don’t know that I can divide my love any more than what I already have between you and Josh.”

What happened next became one of those defining moments of my life when Marissa replied simply that “You won’t have to divide your love between us further you will simply have someone else to love.” Her words had a profound effect on me that day and I willingly put my faith in this new truth. A year later David was born and I will forever be grateful to her for those words of wisdom at a point when self doubt and self centeredness dominated my emotions.

David arrived a year later and was a beautiful boy; a kind and loving child who despite his struggle with substance abuse never lost his warmly affectionate nature and humility.  Since his death at 16 in a drug related drowning I have reflected many times on what life would have been like without David having been born.  His death was also a defining moment and while magical thinking is not a place I go often I have come to believe that if the price I had to pay to have David for his short 16 years was the grief and pain of his loss, then it was without question worth the cost and I would not hesitate to do it again.

I didn’t want another child but the gift of his life did indeed give me someone else to love and cherish now and forever.

The Answering Machine

I wasn't looking for it when I found it.  It was in a place I did not intend to look.

I had just printed out a couple of pictures of Dave from my computer and needed a frame.  It was late...and cold...and spitting snow...and I was too lazy to leave the comfort of my warm house on a January night.  I searched all the closets...under beds...in the basement hoping to find something that would work but to no avail.  I saw a couple of pictures lying un-used on the floor under a bookcase; knelt down and began to feel around under case and a nearby couch...perhaps there were more out of sight long forgotten. I groped blindly and that's when I found it, under the couch, out of sight and...yes...long forgotten. 

It was an old answering machine, long discarded from a time before digital phones and voice-mail...the kind with micro-cassette tapes, one for the greeting and one for the messages... but only the message tape remained.  The power cord was missing and I almost slid it back underneath the couch when I stopped and wondered whose voices might be on this tape.  I wondered because this answering machine was for our second line, the boys line, back when the only way for Mom and Dad to ever make or receive a call in a timely manner was to get the boys their own phone line a sort parental self defense mechanism often employed during the teen years. 

After Dave died from addiction and Josh our older had returned to college the second phone line seemed an unnecessarily painful reminder of how our world had changed forever and we had it disconnected.  However the answering machine was left behind and becoming an appliance without a purpose. And it remained so eventually being shoved under a piece of furniture...untouched for more than six years...silently keeping its messages and words to itself with no one to play them... waiting for me to find it and want to hear them again.

I dug through a seldom used drawer and finally uncovered an old dictation recorder that used the same micro cassettes, found some batteries, headphones and a quiet place to listen.  I closed my eyes and was Instantly catapulted back in time to the days just before Dave died when hope and fear were our constant companions as we worried whether Dave would stay in recovery or relapse; never suspecting that death and tragedy would soon eclispe our worrying making it seem a trifle. 

What unfolded to my thirsty ears were dozens of calls...one right after another all David's friends...girlfriends...using friends...treatment friends and recovery friends.  A cavalcade of voices in scores of emotions; giggling young ladies, gangsta sounding guys and the occaional adult voice all combining to create an enduring audio canvas each becoming a short vingnette adding a different shade to color of this memory.

Hey hon its me...page me or call me at my home when you get home?

Hey dog this is Jake...hit me up when ever you get this.

Hey David its me, I'm calling from class we're not doing anything right now?

Wassup dog...where you been?

Hey David...I am sooo bored right now....hit me back when you get home.

Hey Dave its Mom...just wanted to see if you are up, call when when you get this.

And then...buried in the middle of the messages is the voice I had longed to hear for what seemed an age...prayed to hear...ached to hear...and yet terrified to hear.  Terrified at how it might make me feel...how I might react...where it might take me. 

It was Dave's voice and I hung on every syllable with wonder, fear and heartache.

Mom... Dad if you hear this and are there pick up...pick up....Mom..Dad

Sixteen short words which took barely ten seconds for him to say....ten seconds in which I was swept along on a wave that then crashed me upon the shore of reality leaving me dazed in anguish and yet joy. 

Sixteen words among many on an old answering machine...answering a prayer that once again allowed me to hold my son in my conciousness.   

A Powerful Memory

David got a tattoo about a month before he died.  It was two Chinese characters that Dave claimed the tattoo artist said represented his name.  He was so proud of that tattoo and while his mother had a long standing objection to tattoos generally in the end we were both so glad that we allowed him to get it.

May 2001

About a year ago I asked a colleague Rick Ward at Indiana University Purdue University Indianapolis where I worked if he knew someone familiar with the Chinese language who could verify the meaning of the characters.  He was kind enough to put me in touch with Shiaofen Feng an Associate Professor of Computer and Information Sciences who verified that the characters were indeed the Chinese equivalent of David.

I must admit that I was more than a little relieved to know that they did indeed mean what they were supposed to since they could easliy have been misrepresented to a midwestern boy who had not clue about the Chinese language.  But having the confirmation of its meaning I began to look for ways to  honor this memory.  It came finally in the work of the spouse of one of my wife's cousins Linda Li Dorado.  Linda is second generation Taiwanese and an accomplished artist who with great care and skill created two identical works of art that she framed and then inscribed the words of Robert G. Ingersoll

Download DSCF1611.JPG

In the night of death, hope sees a star, and listening love can hear the rustle of a wing."

What had once been our young son's dream, that was in many ways onerous to his parents at the time...has now become a lovingly crafted work of art that contains a powerful memory for us.

The Holiday Season; A Difficult Time

The holiday season is a treacherous time for those who suffer from addiction and particularly for adolescents and their families.  While those who use drugs and alcohol need little reason reason to abuse substances (often citing the fact that they day of week ends in a "y"), the time between the beginning of holiday break and ending with the resumption of school in the new year is landscape littered with  relapse triggers and temptations.  Being out of school for several weeks coupled with Holiday parties usually produces a rise in the admission of adolescents at drug treatment centers throughout the country.

It was just such a holiday season seven years ago that brought us to the doors of Fairbanks a substance abuse treatment center in Indianapolis.  In the preceding six months we had battled our son David's growing substance abuse  by imposing increasing restrictions and consequences but it was clear we did not have the knowledge or tools to combat his growing disease of addiction.  We needed professional help and so the new year of 2001 we sought knowledge, guidance and hope from the professionals at Fairbanks.

The knowledge, insight and tools we gained in going through treatment with our son have been invaluable to us in the years since despite David's death from addiction in June of 2001.  If we could go back and do things differently we would certainly have gotten David into treatment earlier even though there is no guarantee that the result would have been different.  But the fact remains that families who struggle in dealing with their children's drug abuse the holiday season is a difficult time

No Cause For Celebration

According to the 2007 Monitoring The Future report released last week by the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan there continues to be a gradual decline in illicit drug use among 10th and 12th graders across the county.  While the decline since the peak years of the mid-1990s is welcome news it should certainly be no cause for celebration by anyone.  Crystal Meth led the way on the downward trend along with other types of stimulants but marijuana use only slightly declined from 2006 while use of drugs like LSD, heroin, cocaine, crack and opiates saw little of no change.  Political types are always eager to tout substance use declines as evidence of enforcement efforts and declare victory but prevention and treatment professional are less interested in downward trends than problems that are on the rise. 

In 2007, and for the last several years, the abuse of prescription drugs has been steadily on the increase.  That certainly comes as no surprise to any teenager who will tell you that "Pharming" parties (where middle and high school students bring prescription drugs "harvested" from their parents and grandparents medicine cabinets) have become the "Raves" of the first decade of the 21st Century.  And while the problem has grown significantly in recent years public awareness has been slow and the response from the Pharmaceutical Industry has been non-existent.

In my view there is no cause for celebration for declines in substance use....so instead of patting ourselves on the back for this "downward trend", lets take a moment to acknowlegde the current data and then roll up our sleeves and get back to work...there is still so much to be done.

The Family Intervention

For two hours yesterday afternoon, in a commandeered upstairs bedroom of a relative’s home with the convivial sounds of Thanksgiving drifting up from the dining room below, I was reminded of the cunning, powerful and baffling nature of the disease of addiction as I listened to and watched a lovely young women weave a complex web of lies and self denial about her substance abuse before her parents.  Remarkably, Mom and Dad sat calmly despite the rambling, twisted, angry and sometimes alarming revelations of past and current drug use.  Their cool detachment borne not out of serenity but rather from the debilitating weariness and numbness which results from repeated lies and broken promises by a loved one struggling with addiction. The denial parents experience when their child is an addict is second only to the denial the addict exepriences his/herself.  Our unconditional love for children which binds us forever to them, often helps blind parents from the bad choices they make...and in the end unwittingly enables them as they continue down the path of drug use and abuse.

As the daughter rambled on in a voice that at times was angrily defiant and at others was weepingly anguished it brought back memories of conversations years before with Dave when we had confronted him about his substance abuse.  I didn’t know then what I know now…I couldn’t tell the lies from the truth….I didn’t know the signs of serious drug use…I miss read the signs of relapse, I was ashamed that some how I had failed him…and then, in an instant,  he was gone

But yesterday (Thanksgiving Day 2007) as this family’s tale of suffering and torment unfolded before me I found myself grateful for what I had learned from David’s struggle with addiction and thankful for the opportunity share a bit of his and my own struggle.  And maybe…just maybe assuage their fear and offer a bit of hope for things to come.

Only time will tell.

Changing of the Seasons

The frost painted the lawn with a silvery glaze clinging to each blade of grass as the dawn slowly chased the long shadows of night across the backyard.  The red, golden and orange leaves cling determinedly to their branches as the winds of fall lashed the trees this early November morn leaving me to my chill and lonely thoughts as I go about preparing the backyard for winter.  I dig up my precious rosemary plants and re-pot them so they might winter over in a sunny window of our garage. I bring in the bench that we bought after our son died, the one that was meant to be the center piece of the garden we created in his memory. I collect the wind chimes that played a soft flowing melody when caressed by the gentle breezes of spring and summer… and the sundial my friends gave to me in David’s memory that tracks the relentless rise and fall of the sun in the natural rhythm I hated so much in those first days, weeks and months after his loss.

I have come to expect the twinge of sorrow or the sharp pain of grief when a holiday or a day that holds special or heartrending memories approaches, but for some reason the change of the seasons always catches me unawares.  The cold wind today seems to send the clouds and leaves skittering across the sky and with it my reminiscences…fragile glimpses of what was, what could have been and what will never be. 

I cross the yard to the tree line, the ground soft and moist under my step and pick up the birdhouse that David and I build together not long after we moved into this house.  And as I head for the garage I recall that he and I fashioned it out of scrap pieces of wood that the carpenters had cast aside as they built our home, finishing it off with a discarded shingle for its little roof.   Every year since his death I have set the birdhouse out in the spring and take it in when the weather turns cold.  It 's not much to look at and I don’t think any self respecting avian has ever made a nest within its rough interior.  But what does reside inside is a memory...a memory that lives and never fails to bring a trace of a smile and an ache of the heart each year with the changing of the seasons.    

How do I keep my child from relapsing?

Most parents who find their son or daughter in treatment for substance abuse will often ask early on how they can prevent their loved one from relapsing after a period of sobriety.  The short answer is that there is really nothing you can do that will prevent a relapse from occurring short of imprisoning your child and keeping them under surveillance 24/7.

When our son David was nearing the end of his Intensive Out-Patient program we were beset with anxiety and so consumed with fear of him relapsing that we spent all our time trying to prevent it rather than planning on what we would do when it happened.  Relapse or recurrent is what defines the chronic disease of addiction.  Wikapedia defines a chronic disease as a "disease that is long-lasting or recurrent. The term chronic describes the course of the disease, or its rate of onset and development. A chronic course is distinguished from a recurrent course; recurrent diseases relapse repeatedly, with periods of remission in between."

So rather than asking how do I keep my child from relapsing the question should be re-framed to "What will I do WHEN my child relapses."  Seeking advice and help from addiction treatment professionals and counselors is vital.  They can help you evaluate your options and suggest possible treatment alternatives.  If you have a contract with your young person enforcing the contract consequences is important.  Remember that if your child had diabetes and suddenly suffered a diabetic episode from not taking their insulin you would seek medical care and get them back on their medication regimen.  It is the same with addiction relapse...seek profession care and get them back on their medication which is treatment and 12 step regimen.  Instead of worry be prepared.  Hope for the best but plan for the worst. 

Making A Difference

Some months ago I submitted an essay to National Public Radio's This I Believe project, the text of which appears in a previous entry on this Blog site.  My essay was selected by the local affiliate and was edited by staff for broadcast. 

You can listen to it here....Making A Difference

Time Travel By The Numbers

It had hung by the phone in the kitchen for the better part of a decade.  A white message board...the kind you write on with a marker and wipe clean with a wet cloth.  At the top in Marissa’s faded brown script it reads “Manlove Message Center”, but the “Messages” part had been a misnomer almost from the beginning.  Rather than messages the board had become a hodgepodge of contact information mostly phone numbers and little notes on scrapes of paper tucked into the creases of the wood frame.

The “message center” had long since ceased to perform its intended function and yet had hung faithfully by the phone in the kitchen waiting patiently for a kind touch of a hand with a pen that would add a new or update an old number.  It had changed little over the past six years and so had become a window to the past…a snapshot of scraps of memories frozen in time.  Primarily there were just names and numbers, numbers that when taken individually are meaningless but when combined in certain patterns take on a life and meaning of their own and possess extraordinary abilities.

There were of course the obligatory numbers for Mom and Dad…work and cell numbers and even a pager number, a true relic of the past.  Josh and Angie’s contact information which are still primarily accurate. But then there are the numbers that are more poignant reminders…numbers that possess a special quality to transport one beyond space and time.  A cell phone number for David and a land line number that the boys shared when they were in high school…both long disconnected and reassigned to other phone company subscribers who have no idea what meaning those numbers have for us.  Numbers for David’s girlfriend, childhood friends from pre-school, elementary, middle and high school and the parents of one of David’s using friends.  And finally…in the middle of the board is the number to the Emergency Room where Marissa’s sister Sheila used to work and where on June 9^th 2001, David died from the disease of addiction.

Over the past few weeks we have been redecorating our kitchen getting rid of old things and replacing them with new.  And so it was last week as we were decided what would go and what would stay I picked up the Manlove Message Center, held it for a while and said to Marissa, “We probably need to do away with this”… but before she could answer the numbers answered, they seized my soul and took me back in time, took me back to the place when grief and loss ruled my days and haunted my nights.  And at that moment my eyes welled with tears, my shoulders fell and my body heaved with silent sobs in a way I had not grieved for a long time.  All because of numbers…numbers written a long time ago on a piece of plastic in a wood frame, numbers that to most are just numbers…but for me they possess a magical ability to take me back in time.

Oh and by the way....the message board remains next to the phone where it needs to be....thanks Phil

A Debt I Can Never Repay

His name is Peter and I owe him a debt I can never repay.  Our relationship is complex.  He is a close friend...he is like a son...he is a brother in recovery and I owe him a debt I never intended to incur. A debt I would give anything to take back...but life is never that forgiving.  Six years ago he was my son David's aftercare counselor at the addiction treatment center .  David's relationship with Peter was also complex.  He liked Peter a lot and at the same time was wary of him because he could always count on him to see through his bullshit.

The day that David died I was 2000 miles away, something I will regret for the rest of my life.  And yet I will forever find great comfort in the fact that in those first unspeakable minutes and hours while Marissa was trying desperately to reach me...she called Peter and he rushed to the hospital to be with her and my other son Josh.  He was there when it was clear David was gone...He was there when the doctors gave up their valiant efforts......he was there to share in pain, the anguish, the devastation...and most of all...he was there when I could not be. 

And for that I will forever be eternally grateful and in the debt of my friend, my son, my brother...Peter.

Obituary For A Man Dying Young

I read the obituaries now.  I never used to. 

Today this one appeared...it was like no other I had ever seen.   It was for a young man who smiled back at me from the picture followed by these powerful words:

Yesterday my son took his own life. He did not intend to. He did something thousands of people have and are doing, using drugs. Drugs they know nothing about. Drugs recommended and provided by friends or strangers that are not chemists that know what's in them or doctors that knew how much his body could take. My son has devastated us, his mother, father and stepmother, his brothers, and his sisters. We also all hurt for a three year old little girl who will grow up without her father and his girlfriend who loved him just as much. Not to leave out his many grandparents, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews who have also been left behind in pain. Realize you have no more idea of what or how much is too much of what you're putting in your body than those selling it to you. Those drugs do not discriminate, by race, income, the status of you or of your family. These are those that care about you and those that you care about. Consider them please! The pleasure is not worth the risks! Goodbye my, we love you, and will miss you. Services  will be held at 1:00 p.m. August 8, 2007 . Friends may call 4:00 to 8:00 p.m. August 7, 2007 at the funeral home. Internment will be at a later date in the Memorial Park Cemetery.

Old enough to fight and die, old enough to drink??? NO WAY!

When the subject of underage drinking comes up invariably someone (usually under 21 years of age) will justify lowering the drinking age to 18 by employing the "old worn logic" that if you are old enough to fight and die in the service of your country you should be old enough to drink.  And each time I hear that tired argument I am reminded of something my favorite high school social studies teacher, Mr. Beaver, once said in the late 1960s when my baby boomer generation was fighting and dying for the lost cause that was Vietnam.  He said "The military has known for more than 100 years that the best recruits for front line soldiers and sailors are 18 to 20 year olds because they are emotionally and psychologically malleable, lack good judgment, have underdeveloped critical thinking skills and will follow orders without questioning them.  I would further submit that anyone who doubts the veracity of his summation, especially with regard to judgment,  need look no further than the rates of motor vehicle accident and fatalities for this age group.

Drinking alcohol carries with it significant responsibilities that are all too often lost in the emotion of the debate over the "right to drink" and the appropriate age limit.  Responsibilities that require well developed critical thinking skills with regard to judgment and behavior.

In my opinion 18-20 year olds who function at that higher level are by far the exception rather than the rule.

Death is Nothing at All

Death is nothing at all. I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I, and you are you. Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.

Pray, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was,
let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just round the corner.

All is well. Nothing is past; Nothing is lost, One brief moment and all will be as it was before.  How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

Henry Scott Holland 1847-1918 Canon of St. Pauls Cathedral

Enough to Wake the Dead

The stores show up this time of year in vacant buildings or red and white tents near busy thoroughfares surrounded by large hand-made signs garishly proclaiming FIREWORKS – BUY 1 GET FIVE FREE!!!  For me they have always had a lurid feel to them akin to an adult bookstore or a casino, most likely because for years Fireworks were illegal to purchase in the State of Indiana.  But though the prohibition to purchase was removed by our legislature some years ago the industry is still very much a seasonal one tied primarily to the two major “rockets red glare” holidays of Memorial Day and the 4^th of July.  I noted in a previous post that David, like most boys, was a huge firework devotee and in the years before his death Josh, Dave and I staged many an impromptu fireworks displays that seemed to grow each year in firepower and expense.

   

When a child dies, and for many years after, parents face an unrelenting gauntlet of birthdays and holidays that bring sweet memories mixed with pain.  The big holidays like Birthdays, Christmas and Thanksgiving are easily anticipated by the newly bereaved parent. but it is the “minor” holidays like Halloween and the 4^th of July that always seem to catch us unawares and explode into grief like an emotional landmine.

Several years, and 4^th of Julys, after losing Dave I decided that it was time for me to take back this holiday and stage an emotional landmine of my own rather than experience one.  I made a trip to one of those “temporary” Fireworks Stores operating out of a long defunct K-Mart strip center.  I grabbed a grocery cart and began loading up, not on those wimpy bottle rockets and firecrackers but the so-called “artillery shells” and aerial rockets that shoot high into the night and explode in brilliant colors. 

And later that night, not long before midnight, Marissa and I climbed around the fence of the silent graveyard, crossed the dark expanse of the cemetery and slowly found our way to David’s marker.  And for the next half hour the silence and darkness of the memorial park was shattered with both the staccato roar of explosions and brilliant flashes of light..."loud enough" (Marissa said) "to wake the dead!!!"

This year Josh and his wife Angie may join us on our nocturnal graveyard escapade and if they do it will be the first time in a great many years that we will celebrate the 4^th of July as we always did….together.

Underage Drinking "A Rite of Passage"?????

On June 18th a commentary appeared in the Indianapolis Business Journal in response to the arrest of Jack Trudeau, former Indianapolis Colts Quarterback, for hosting an underage drinking party at his home in honor of his daughters graduation from high school.  The commentator suggested that underage drinking parties are a rite of passage for young people and that law enforcement would do well to be more restrained in enforcing the law when parents are providing a "safe" environment for their kids to drink.

We wrote this in response:

Your commentary on Teen Drinking ("Take off blinders to teen drinking" IBJ June 18, 2007) was a powerful reminder to my wife and I of how our attitudes on this subject have evolved since we sat across the table from you at the Heartland Film Festival in the late 1990's, where we were guests of mutual friends. Our world was quite different then; we might have agreed with you that teen drinking is as evitable as humidity in an Indiana summer.

However we live in a different reality today. In the summer of 2000, a few years after that dinner, we were shocked to discover that our younger son
David's drinking, which began with "experimentation" at age 13, had developed
into a serious addiction. Despite being involved parents who lived in an
affluent Indianapolis suburb and were never reticent about letting our kids
know our expectations about drug use and underage drinking, we found ourselves powerless over our son's growing addiction. We sought help at Fairbanks, a local treatment facility; David spent two months in their Intensive Outpatient
Program.

At Fairbanks we met other parents from all over central Indiana. Parents who
at one time may have believed, as your column suggests, that winking at our
children's flirtations with alcohol is part of a parent's responsibility to
allow them space to grow and develop into responsible and successful adults.
But we know now that while not every child who experiments will end up
addicted, no child who does plans it that way, and no parent ever expects it to happen to their child. We have come to understand that while we cannot control the choices and actions that our kids take, we do have a responsibility as
parents to ensure that we do nothing that makes it easier for them to make poor choices, or to send mixed signals that can be misinterpreted as condoning or sanctioning those choices.

Today we know the power and the perils of addiction and we also know all too well that for many children who end up in treatment, the path to their
addiction was paved with good parental intentions that inadvertently fueled the
progress of their disease. Intentions that today we see as enabling poor
choices and denial of their problem.

On June 9, 2001, David made the ultimate poor choice--while swimming at a
friend's backyard pool, he inhaled the propellant in a can of computer cleaner.
He had discovered "huffing" could give him a brief high; after diving under
the water while huffing, his heart went into cardiac arrest and his lungs
filled with water. Despite immediate administration of CPR by the friend's
mother and very quick response by emergency personnel, David could not be
saved. He was 16 years old.

As a result of our experiences with our son David and his treatment at
Fairbanks, my wife and I volunteer there every Thursday night at 7:30 PM, where we run a Parent Support Group for families whose children have been touched by the disease of addiction. We cordially invite you to join us some Thursday evening to introduce you to a group of parents who at one time may have felt as you do about underage drinking. I am sure you will find them not all that unfamiliar since they are parents who are your neighbors, your employees and your friends. Parents who, like us, see the world through a different lens than we did before.

We'd be honored to have you join us, share with you our journeys and hear about yours as well. We are not experts on anything, just survivors whose kids are not bad kids, but kids who were making bad choices. We believe you would find it an enlightening and rewarding experience.  We also encourage you to go to www.The24Group.org to find out more information about resources and support for families who are struggling with addiction in an adolescent or young adult.

Warmly,

Kim and Marissa Manlove

Huffing

Surfing the Web to find out more about Huffing?

Let me tell you all you need to know about Huffing.

David Manlove Age 16

Friend, Brother, Son...."Likes to Huff Computer Duster"

*********************************************************

David Manlove Age 17

It was a choice to him....but its a life sentence for us.

Love you Dave....

Dad

What do I say to a Parent who has lost a child?

When a parent loses a child…family and friends are not surprisingly at a loss as to what to say.  I am often asked “what should I say” to someone who has suffered such a tragic event.  Now that I have walked this path for some years I find that the real question is not “what do I say?” but rather "what should I not to say?"  When I conjure up that painful image of standing in the funeral parlor by my son’s coffin with my wife and son Josh by my side, I see the faces of friends and loved ones contorted in grief or stunned silence shuffling toward me slowly.  They seemed to come to me in waves much as the grief did...continually washing over me.  In most cases they did not know what to say, and sensing that I would take them in my arms and whisper, “It’s OK….there are No words.”  I would hold them for a while then let them go. 

Of those that did speak I cannot remember a word, except for the ones who said things they should not have said.  Words like:

I know how you feel because I lost my (insert here) (Mother…Father…Grandma…Sister…Brother…best Friend…Dog)

God must have needed him more that you did.

He’s in a better place.

This is God’s will.

At least you have other children.

God works in mysterious ways and he knows best.

In the end it is best to say as little as possible because there really are no words.  If you haven’t suffered the loss of a child…acknowledge that there is no way you can possibly understand what they are going through…and that you are here for them and willing to do anything for them.  If you are a spiritual person offer to pray for them and their child.

Hug them, hold them and then let them move on.

Reflections on Fathers Day

For a son, Fathers Day is usually a time for reflection on the support, unconditional love, guidance and wisdom that we received from our father. It is a time to celebrate the life of that strong figure that contributed so much to who we are, what we think and how we live our lives today. For a father it is also a time to celebrate the lives of our children, who they are and what they are becoming. These are times to revel in the memories of what has been and what will be, of joy and of hope.

But for a father whose son or daughter is struggling with addiction Father’s Day is a day of conflicting emotions and self doubt. There are those nagging questions that lurk constantly in our sub-conscious…

Where did I go wrong?

How did I miss this?

Why couldn’t I have prevented this?

Why can’t I fix this?

The recriminations can create such a noise in our heads that all of the wonderful things of who are children are get crowded out by the din. Remember our kids are not bad…they are just making bad choices. Remember that there is help and our job is to see that they get the help that they need.

And most of all remember that we didn’t cause this, you are not alone and there is always hope if we reach out to others.

The Winds Of Remembrance

In the first few days and months after the loss of a child, parents struggle to make sense of living  a paradox where life either goes on with an uncaring relentlessness or is the barren existence of a memory that seems forever frozen in time.  Some curse the dawning of each day while others wander lost in the wilderness that is bereavement. 

But for some their grief brings new meaning to life and to love.  And if they are lucky enough to embrace this new wisdom they may emerge from their chrysalis of loss, unfold their wings and soar upon the winds of remembrance.

      

Channeling My Sons

It was hard to sleep last night.  A torrent of wind battered our little pink doll house that stands on stilts…at the beach…on St. George Island nestled next to the normally gentle Gulf of Mexico.  The beach house swayed throughout the night as near gale force winds pummeled it and sometimes made us question whether we were adrift in the Gulf rather than overlooking it.

We woke this morning to the crashing of surf, a sound one doesn’t expect of the usually serene Gulf.  A sound that is more common to the Outer Banks of North Carolina particularly as a storm blows in from the Atlantic sending it’s minions of waves to assault the beach. But today…here on the Panhandle of Florida …the “forgotten coast” the Gulf seemed to boil as strong southern gusts whipped the surf into a frenzy. 

We set our beach chairs just out of harms way and for a while contemplated the scene before us…a cloudless sky of azure blue, the wind in our faces and the six foot waves lashing the sand at our feet. We both agreed that this was a day that Josh and Dave would have loved, a day that appealed to the risk taker in both of them, a day when they would have grabbed their “boogie” boards, cast caution to the wind and dived head first into the waves.  They would swim out a ways and then turn back to shore hoping to catch that “perfect” wave, one they could ride all the way in.  Most of the time however they would get overwhelmed by the surf and tumble out of control caught between the crest of the wave and the pull of the undertow sending their boards tumbling after them.  But each time the waves washed them ashore the promise of that “perfect” ride called them back and they would plunge again and again into the surf.

….I brought Josh and Dave’s boogie board with me this trip and this morning it was my turn to challenge the surf and be the risk taker for a while.  So for the next hour I channeled my sons.  And even though I was bruised, battered and scraped at the end of the day…for a little while we were all together again riding the waves.

Google Alerts, The Web and Inhalants

A few years ago my good friend Harvey Wiess of the National Inhalant Prevention Coalition explained to me how I could set up something called a "Google Alert" to constantly monitor the web for stories or information posted to the web on any subject or keyword.  Shortly after that conversation I created my first Alert with the single word "Inhalant" mostly because I was curious to see how often the word would appear in some news story on the web and in doing so would provide me with some indication, no matter how unscientific, of the prevelence of the problem.

In the three years since my establishing my Google Alert for the word "Inhalants" the number of notifications I have recieved from the alert is five times what it was when I began with my recieving on average 10 notifications a week. 

Other distrubing Web artifacts on inhalants can be found by doing simple Web seaches on variations of the inhalant "theme".  Inputing the following word strings produces the following number of hits for webpages that contain that string:

Huffing can Kill.....179,000

Inhalant deaths.....246,000

Inhalant Abuse.....315,000

Huffing Deaths.....314,000

Sudden Sniffing Death....341,000

Dusting Deaths.....814,000

Huffing.....865,000

I have heard it said that the web has become ground zero for today's and future cultural wars and unless one gets swept up with it....one will surely be swept aside. Some think the Web is a faceless, nameless abyss where good kids get bad ideas.  But for parents whose kids are caught up in the disease of addiction the Web can be a much needed source of information about substance abuse.  If you have found your way to this blog and this post...linger but please don't stop here.  Arm yourself with all the information you can.  Ask questions and reach out to others who have been down this path before.  You are not alone and thanks to the Web you never have to feel that you are alone again.

Prevention Or Intervention

Not long after David died from inhalant abuse Marissa and I became involved in what we came to think of as substance abuse "prevention and education" work.  And while there is no question that our efforts exact a heavy emotional price from us at times, on balance we derive an incredible amount of fulfillment from sharing our story with others and by doing so honoring David’s struggle with addiction.

Recently however I have reconsidered the word “prevention” when used in the context of our substance abuse work because it implies that somehow one can be inoculated from the abuse of drugs and alcohol like the chicken pox or the measles.  I have come to believe that we can never totally prevent substance abuse and that our efforts would be better directed toward strategies to “intervene” when it does occur or when a young person is predisposed to addiction.  I fear that the concept of “prevention” can create a false expectation of hope in parents and the public at large; that somehow we can stop all addiction from occurring and when we fail to do so the resulting emotions are despair and hopelessness.

There is already too much hopelessness and despair when it comes to families and addiction because of stigma and denial…we don’t need anymore thank you.