Parent Partners: Making an Impact

Misery Is Optional

One of the most powerful lessons I have learned in recovery from addiction is that pain is necessary to bring us to recovery..... but the misery that always seemed to accompany my pain was optional.
In recovery I have learned that I have a choice whether to be miserable or not and that recognition was liberating for me.
Today I relish my freedom to choose, to feel, to act....and that I and only I can take it away.

Pain Does Not Last Forever

In those early days after our son David died from addiction I feared that the gut wrenching pain I felt from his sudden and tragic passing would engulf my heart forever.

Yet in the physical world, so in the spiritual realm too, I have come to understand that pain does not last forever. 

The wisdom of our past teaches us that pain enriches us and prepares us to better serve others.

We come to know who we are and the specialness of our gifts through the despair that has at times encumbered us.

Teen Substance Abuse - Getting On The Same Page With Your Spouse!

 For the past ten years Marissa and I have facilitated a Parent Support Group at Fairbanks Treatment Center in Indianapolis where our teenage son received services. We had been very pleased with the treatment he received at Fairbanks and the parent education program that was offered to us.  However, when he started their aftercare program we discovered that there was no continuing education or support program for parents.  We also learned very quickly that the skill set received while our son was in treatment was not the same as the tools needed for a teen in early recovery....and the Parent Support Group was born.

 In the decade since hundreds of parents have attended the meetings of the support group and over time a number of principles and guidelines for families dealing with adolescent substance abuse have emerged.  

Here are our 10 “suggestions” for spouses as they work through drug and alcohol issues with their teen: 

1. Be open and honest with each other about your own perspectives on drug and alcohol use past or present.  Don’t make assumptions or take anything for granted.
2. If you have different perspectives on teen drug and alcohol use find common ground where you can agree and start from there.  
3. If you have differing opinions talk these through before you talk with your teen.
4. Don’t challenge your spouse on the way they handle a situation in front of your teen.
5. Understand that in the end you can’t control how your spouse reacts you can only control your own response.
6. Own your own feelings not the feelings of your spouse.
7. Say what you mean, mean what you say and don’t say it meanly.
8. Be consistent and supportive of each other.
9. Parenting teens can be stressful.  Parenting teens with drug and alcohol issues can be frightening. Be sure to take time for and be kind to each other.
10. Take a firm stand together on your teen’s drug and alcohol use and remember that  if you want to be in your child’s memories tomorrow you must be involved in their lives today. 

 

A Story of Loss; A Vision of Hope

I was asked recently how sharing our story of losing an adolescent to addiction can possible help parents who are just beginning the treatment and recovery journey with their own child.  

I will never forget the first time we shared our story of losing David to substance abuse with a group of parents at the treatment center David had attended.  At the end of our talk a Dad, who had just brought his son in, got very angry and said "So what are you telling me, that this place doesn't work and that there is no hope for my son and our family?"  The fear and hopelessness in his voice pierced my heart and immediately took me right back to the same room and sitting in that same chair with my Dave barely two years before.  Clearly I knew then that we had to alter our approach so that a parent like him could find hope in the tragedy we had suffered.  It was no small task and took much reflection and soul searching but today we know what to say. 

Today I end my conversations with parents by saying:  "David's story doesn't have a happy ending. We obviously can't change what happened to him, but what we can do, is to share his story to help others understand the unbelievable power of the disease of addiction.  Yes it is indeed true that sometimes, even when you do all the right things, bad things can still happen. But there are hundreds of thousands of stories of recovery, and despite what happened to us, we believe that treatment does work and that recovery is possible for anyone.  We know that Dave was working on that recovery but was early in his journey and that he simply ran out of time. 

 Ten years later I still share parts of David's story every week not only with parents but with adolescents and adults.  It is never easy, the tears still gather in the corners of my eyes and my voice never fails to waiver.  But I have learned that the only thing more powerful than the disease of addiction is the power of the personal story.  I have have also learned that when I honor his struggle with addiction by telling his story I take back the power that disease once had over me.

And that is the essence of the stories of those who have lost loved ones to addiction....honoring the struggle and taking back the power of hope.

Before Invading a Teen’s Right to Privacy

"If a parent is concerned about their child’s behavior, there probably is something going on," says Swick, who is also an attending psychiatrist in the division of child psychiatry at Massachusetts General Hospital. "But it may not be what they think." Something other than alcohol or drugs could be fueling your child’s behavior. It could be your child is depressed, struggling at school, or thinking about coming out of the closet. No matter what’s going on, it’s good to find out directly from your child -- if possible.

"Parents should talk to their child before resorting to detective work," Swick tells WebMD. No matter what is going on, talking will be a big part of helping your child through it. If you do find something that confirms your worst fears, you will be in a better position if you can say, ‘we talked about this, and I was still seeing things that concerned me. As your parent, I am not going to ignore signs that you might be in danger.’"

The most effective communication is as common as getting ready for school. "The scary ‘Drug Talk’ never goes well," says Pasierb. Rather than a talk both of you are going to dread, he recommends an ongoing dialogue that lets your child know where you stand on drug use. "Open communication is about things parents say every day, on the way to soccer practice or while watching TV," Pasierb tells WebMD.

Reasons Parents Overlook Teen Drug Abuse

There are plenty of reasons parents may be tempted to ignore signs of teen drug or alcohol abuse. "Shame and stigma around addiction play a heavy role," says Kim Manlove. After their 16-year-old son died as a result of drug use, Manlove and his wife, Marissa, started a support group for other parents. "A lot of the parents we work with think they have failed as a parent if their child has a drug problem," says Manlove.

Many parents don’t raise the subject, thinking they don’t know enough about drugs. If this is the case, time at the library or on web sites such as www.drugfree.org can build the knowledge and confidence to start talking. Other parents dread their teenager’s response if they question possible drug use. Teen brains are uniquely primed to react to even the most innocent comments, even facial expressions, with explosive bursts of emotion.

For parents who avoid conflict, the promise of an emotional outburst may seem an impossible hurdle. "Teens are more comfortable being in opposition with their parents," says Swick.  But getting involved when you suspect teen drug or alcohol abuse is worth the discomfort. Parents who intervene early in teen drug or alcohol abuse can significantly reduce the possibility their child will become addicted.

When to Worry about Cough Medicine Abuse

Parents and teens tend to discount cough medicine abuse because it is legal and easy to purchase. That’s a mistake, says Pasierb. "Cough medicine is rarely a kid’s drug of choice…," he says. Once is enough for half of the kids who try it. "The teens who abuse cough medicine more than once are typically engaged in multiple forms of drug abuse," Pasierb tells WebMD.

Chances are, if you see any signs of teen drug or alcohol abuse, your child has moved beyond simple experimentation. "By the time parents see signs, it’s usually the tip of the iceberg," says Manlove. Your child may play it down but if you find empty bottles or drug paraphernalia in his things, there is a strong possibility that not only is he using, he’s losing control of the ability to hide it from you.

The Role and Power of Parents

You cannot control every aspect of your child’s life, especially as she enters the teen years, but you do play an important role. In a survey of more than 2,000 teenagers and 450 parents, the National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University (CASA) found that teens with strong ties to their parents were less likely to use drugs or alcohol.

Respecting your role as your child’s protector might help you work through the privacy question. "Any substance use is a risk to your child’s health," says Pasierb. "If parents are trying to understand the threat of drug or alcohol abuse to their child’s health, and they have a strong suspicion, it makes sense to look into it."

Involve Your Child in the Solution

In the end, what you do if you do find evidence of drug use is more significant than whether you override your teen’s right to privacy. If she could do it over again, Manlove would take a more collaborative approach to her son’s drug abuse. "I wish I had said to him, ‘I’m really worried about what I’m seeing. I want to be here to work with you and find a solution together.’"

Swick recommends just such an approach to the parents she works with. "You don’t want to leave your child feeling isolated and panicked," she says. Whatever you do or say, letting your child know she can lean on you should be a big part of the message. "If possible, your child should feel somewhat relieved to be able to talk to you," Swick says.

http://www.webmd.com/parenting/teen-abuse-cough-medicine-9/teen-privacy

And Spirituality Is For People Who Have Already Been There

I have come to understand that a spiritual awakening was the key that unlocked the prison of my substance abuse addiction and released me into a new world of discovery and recovery.  There have been many awakenings since and they continue to happen to me on a weekly and sometime daily basis now that I have the eyes and the heart to perceive them.  But there was a beginning.. and it occurred three days into my treatment for substance abuse as I drifted from one counseling session to another unable (and perhaps unwilling) to focus on what I was hearing from counselors and other patients alike.  It came when three long time members of a well know 12-Step program met with the in-patient men to share some of their experience strength and hope. 

They took turns telling us what had been important to them when they were early in treatment and recovery. The last to speak was a man about my age with 10 years of recovery who later became my first sponsor.  He spoke briefly about his background and then shared two things that I will never forget.  The first was how important it was for anyone, who wanted to recover from addiction, was to find a "higher power of ones own understanding".  And the second was that "AA, NA, CA were not religious programs but spiritual programs."  He then went to quote what I know now is a often used phrase that "Religion is for people who are afraid they are going to Hell and that Spirituality is for people who have already been there."  Both statements had an immediate and profound effect on me...the first because I had no higher power and the prospect of defining it myself was both intriguing and mystifying at the same time.  And the second, about spirituality, spoke to my heart and soul, describing exactly the "purgatory" I felt I had lived in since the death of my son from addiction two years before.  I didn't realized it then but the foundation of my recovery had been laid with these two concepts as the cornerstones.

Recently I have become curious about the origins of the phrase "Religion is for people who are afraid they are going to Hell and that Spirituality is for people who have already been there" and while the genisis is indistinct a quick Google search demonstrates that the phrase has many devotees from addiction professionals..to  philosophers...to celebrities in recovery...to common 12-Step folks like me. I can, however, appreciate that some may find the first part of the phrase about "Religion being for people afraid of going to hell" personally offensive and of course at best it is a gross over simplification.  But for me and for the many others who came into 12-Step Recovery with a strong disaffection with organized religion....it is the spiritually part from which we gain our strength and hope in recovery.  It is spiritually, not religion, that has opened the door to our new life and leads us to new awakenings of recovery everyday. 

Rabbi Abraham Twerski -Hasidic philosopher and psychiciatrist specializing in substance abuse addiction said recently "After half a century in psychiatric practice, I know without a doubt that the source of addiction is spiritual deficiency. Irrespective of whether we are religious or atheist, all human beings are spiritual by nature and spirituality is the cornerstone of our recovery."

AMEN Rabbi.... :-)

 

 

Flickr photo by Alicepopkorn

Serenity

 

Serenity is not freedom from the storm

 

 

   

 

 

It is the Peace within the storm

Addiction - Confliction

Although it happens less frequently now I do still feel so conflicted at times. 

Since David's death from substance abuse almost ten years ago... I have met so many wonderful people who are as passionate about the prevention, education, treatment and recovery from addiction as I am.  I have discovered thousands of kindred spirits who understand my pain and have shared my suffering as they too  have done battle with their own substance abuse demons. 

With those folks I have formed friendships that are deeper and richer than than friends I have known for decades.  Indeed they have formed a family of love, understanding and compassion that surrounds me which my own extended family can never begin to understand or match.  They are friends that have and continue to enriched my life, warmed my souls and will be in my heart forever.

And yet......the confliction of my addiction is that I would trade it all in a heartbeat if I could have my David back.  Addicted or incarcerated...it would not matter...I would give all I have today away if I could hug my boy one more time.

Prevention or Intervention....Which Is It???

Not long after David died from inhalant abuse Marissa and I became involved in what we came to think of as substance abuse "prevention and education" work.  And while there is no question that our efforts exact a heavy emotional price from us at times, on balance we derive an incredible amount of fulfillment from sharing our story with others and by doing so honoring David’s struggle with addiction.

  

Recently however I have reconsidered the word “prevention” when used in the context of our substance  abuse work because it implies that somehow one can be inoculated from the abuse of drugs and alcohol like the chicken pox or the measles.  I have come to believe that, for  now, we cannot totally prevent  substance abuse and that our efforts would be better directed toward strategies to “intervene” when it does occur or when a young person is predisposed to addiction.  I fear that the concept of “prevention” can create a false expectation of hope in parents and the public at large; that somehow we can stop all addiction from occurring.  The problem with this line of thinking is that when we fail to do so the resulting emotions are despair and hopelessness.

 

 

There is already too much hopelessness and despair when it comes to families and addiction because of stigma and denial…

 

We simply don’t need anymore thank you very much!!!!

How can a parent endure the loss of a child?

Some months ago I was making a presentation on the prevention and consequences of substance abuse to a gathering of middle school parents.  During the question and answer phase a mother of two young sons, one about the age of David when he died, asked me "how can a parent endure the loss of a child let alone the sudden tragic death of one to addiction?"  I have given much thought to her question in the ensuing weeks and have come to believe that grief and loss of a loved one is not something that must be endured...but rather it must be lived. 

Certainly in the beginning when I was heavily cloaked in my mantel of sorrow it took every effort on my part just to get out of bed and participate in the required rituals for the living that follow a death.  But over time and with the help of family, friends, a treatment center for my own addiction and the loving arms of my wife, my other son and a 12 step fellowship....light, hope and joy returned to my life and I was able to begin to reconstruct it's meaning. 

Part of that meaning for me today is that not only must my  grief from the the loss of my child be lived but that I have the choice to live it badly, or to live it well. I have also learned that there are things I have to do...actions I have to take, some times daily even 10 years  after the loss, to continue my odyssey in this manner.  I try to live my loss well by:

• Celebrating the time I had with Dave
• Honoring his and others who struggled and lost their lives to addiction 
• Reaching out to those who still struggle and their families who struggle with them
• Having compassion for those who stumble often
• Carrying the message that treatment and recovery do work

And so it is today that I do not simply endure David's loss...I live it....and I choose to live my loss as well as I can....one day at a time