Parent Partners: Making an Impact

A Parent Support Group

She opened the door tentatively and shuffled softly into the room, slipped quietly into the chair moving in seeming slow motion as if her lack of haste would somehow disguise her tardiness. The parent support group meeting had started some fifteen minutes before but no one took much notice of when she had arrived, they were simply glad that she was here.

We had started the group a year after David died of addiction, barely 3 months after he had been in treatment…barely 6 months after he got into recovery and barely 7 months after he turned sixteen. When David got out of the adolescent intensive out-patient program he entered the Treatment Center’s “aftercare” program that was to help him make the transition from treatment to recovery.  But there was no “aftercare” program for parents to help us make a similar transition…and soon realized, much to our regret, how ill prepared we were.

So we started this Parent Support Group and some six years later here we are every Thursday night at 7:30 PM, a group of parents whose children have been in treatment for substance abuse.  Some a little farther down the path than others with no magic bullet, no answers, only suggestions based upon our experience.  No experts in the disease of addiction just parents who are survivors from it, on our own odyssey of recovery. 

She settled into the chair crossing her legs and entwining them around one of the chair legs.  She held one hand to her mouth and wound her other arm around herself so tightly I was afraid she would suffocate. She looked so frail and small wearing her countenance of fear and worry like a dark veil. 

When it came her turn to speak her story rushed from her lips in a torrent of words and emotions.  Her 18 year old son had relapsed, he’d been dismissed from the treatment program and when he had returned home she handed him a small bag, clean underwear and socks, a few essentials and told him that he could not continue live in her house while he was still using.  Her words turned to sobs as she spoke of the grief she felt as he walked out the door, the plea for him not to go that choked in her throat, the haunting feeling of not being a good parent and then the unspeakable fear of what would happen if he dies of his addiction alone and without her arms to protect him.

TBC

Forgive Me Crystal Meth

Crystal meth, my love of my life

Remembering all the good times and bad

Yet I still admire you in every way

Stupid for using everyday.

Today is the day, I've got to forgive you

All because I want to break away.

Left you behind now, never thought I would

Mest up my life, took everything away

Expected nothing, just wanted your high

Todays the day, never thought it would be here.

Have a nice life, forgive me meth.

17 Year Old Recovering Methamphetamine Addict

David Sheff's Beautiful Boy

I received an email more than a year ago from a father who had read an article about me that appeared in a national magazine.  He wrote that his oldest son had struggled with substance abuse for many years and described briefly the damage and emotional price he and his family had paid and continued to.  He thanked me for sharing my story about losing my David and asked if I would do him the honor of allowing him to send a copy of his book that he had written about his own family's journey.  I agreed, told him how much I appreciated his kind words and spent the next couple of months waiting for the book to arrive. 

It never did and I eventually forgot the email exchange until 6 weeks ago.  A package arrived in the mail from the publisher Houghton Mifflin, and when I tore it open the book entitled "Beautiful Boy" slid out into my hands.  A small card fell from the pages that read "With the compliments of the Author" and I suddenly remembered the email exchange so many months before with David Sheff.

As I drew out the book Beautiful Boy my heart was rife with emotions. Feelings of joy, gratitude, dread and envy swarmed around me as I thumbed through the pages. Joy that he had finished his opus.  Gratitude that he had remembered me from so many months before.  Dread because I knew that each page would hold for me …remembrance…delight…grief…laughter…pain…solace… and anguish.   And finally there was envy...envy that he still had his son and could write about his continuing recovery while my own writings are about loss, grief and unfulfilled dreams.

Beautiful Boy is a beautiful, honest, heart wrenching yet engrossing memoir of one family's odyssey through the uncharted and tempest tossed passage that is the disease of addiction.  It chronicles the path that millions of families trod every day which often begins seemingly innocently with the first discovery of an empty liquor bottle or a bag of pot.  It is inevitably followed by denial of the problem by parent and adolescent alike that seems to grows as the evidence of abuse mounts.  Anger comes next when we can no longer escape the fact that addiction has a hold of our young person.  Bargaining and despair often ensues when we recognize that we are powerless over our child's addiction and that it has made our lives and theirs unmanageable.  And finally, if  we are fortunate through the help of treatment professionals,12 step programs and others who have been this way before we reach acceptance that the disease of addiction is indeed cunning, baffling, powerful, patient, and that in the end we didn't cause it, we can't control it and we can't cure it.

For me the most affirming aspect of David Sheff's tender narrative is the way that it ends with the acknowledgment that his son Nic's struggle with addiction is a day to day proposition and that it will always be that way.  David's journey to the level of awareness that Recovery is lifelong hard work for all of us who are addicts, as well as those who love us, is at times painful and agonizing.  Yet therein lies the very essence of Beautiful Boy's message that through this odyssey called addiction there can be understanding and that with understanding there can be a rekindling of hope.  Hope that had not been lost to us but clouded by despair, denial, anger and pain.

Beautiful Boy may seem to many to be just about the collateral damage  and havoc of addiction but for those of us who have walked this path with David and Nic we know that in the end there will always be love and that hope does indeed spring eternal.

What Steps Do I Take If My Child Is Using Drugs?

We first discovered that David had a serious problem with alcohol and marijuana when he was 15.  Like many parents who make this initial determination we thought that now we were aware of the problem that vigilance would solve everything.  But we were wrong.

Early on there was much we didn't understand about addiction especially the fact that by the time David began to get careless enough with his drug use that we became aware of it, his use was already at a very serious level. 

So what do you do when you discover that your adolescents drug use has gone beyond experimentation and may have progressed to addiction?

Here is a list of 24 suggestions of what to do next from  The 24 Group who believe that:

• Addiction is a biological disease and as such should carry no social shame or stigma.
• There is effective treatment for addiction.
• Treatment should be available to all regardless of socio-economic status or access to insurance.
• Family education and support enhances treatment effectiveness and success for the adolescent/young adult.
• Addiction is a family disease; parents and other family members need their own treatment and support to achieve and maintain recovery from the devastating effects of this disease.
• Staying connected with a treatment program enhances chances of long-term success.

24 Steps to Take if Your Adolescent is Using Drugs or Alcohol

---

1. Have your adolescent evaluated by a professional drug counselor or treatment facility
2. Immediately admit your child to a drug treatment program if it is recommended
3. Educate yourself and your family about the disease of addiction
4. Seek family counseling from a group or a professional specializing in addiction
5. Consider attending Al-Anon or Al-A-Teen meetings
6. Understand that addiction will lead to prison, institutions or death if not treated
7. Understand that no one has any control over the addicted adolescent except the addict
8. Do not give your adolescent cash or credit cards
9. Recognize that addicted adolescents have a disease and do not reason the same way as non-addicted teens
10. Do not make excuses for your adolescent’s behavior; let the natural consequences of their actions occur
11. Do not feel guilty about your parenting skills, your child made the decision to abuse drugs
12. Realize that emotional maturity in addicted adolescents stops from the time they begin their drug or alcohol use
13. Set and communicate clear behavior standards for the adolescent to live by while living in your home, no fuzzy or gray areas
14. Hold the addicted adolescent accountable for their actions
15. Consider suspending their driving privileges until the teen achieves sobriety
16. If the adolescent is facing legal problems, do not intervene, let the natural consequences occur
17. Be wary of the addict’s skills at manipulating people and events
18. Consider removing or securing all alcohol, narcotic prescription medication, cold medication, etc. from your home
19. Realize that addiction is a life long disease that cannot be cured, but can be treated
20. All family members should try to be of the same mind set when setting behavioral expectations for the teen, and when holding them accountable
21. Realize that addiction is a family disease that has a negative impact on all members of the family
22. The addicted adolescents recovery is his program, you should not try to work harder than the teen at that program
23. Relapses are common, recovery is achieved one small step at a time
24. Learn to live life with an addict one day at a time, and be grateful for the time you have together

How Do I Tell If My Child Is Using Drugs?

Parents and family members often ask me "how do I tell if my child is using drugs."  Two years ago we joined with several other parents whose children have struggled with substance abuse to form The 24 Group who mission is that we believe those touched by addiction in adolescence and young adulthood deserve support and advocacy. Because current resources are inadequate, The 24 Group exists to provide a means for those in need of addiction education and recovery support. 

As part of that mission we developed a list of 24 warning signs based upon our personal experience.

24 Warning Signs of Adolescent Drug or Alcohol Addiction

---

1. Loss of interest in hobbies, sports or other favorite activities
2. School grades have declined dramatically
3. Difficult time concentrating on tasks
4. Change in sleeping patterns, up all-night or sleeping all day
5. Withdrawn, depressed, tired, careless, or manipulative
6. Hostile, disrespectful, untruthful, and uncooperative
7. Relationships with family members and friends has deteriorated
8. Money is missing from the household
9. An increase in borrowing money from family members and friends
10. Physical health has declined, bloodshot eyes, bulging veins, runny nose
11. Dramatic mood swings
12. Missing prescription drugs, cold medicines, alcohol, aerosol containers in the home
13. Increased secrecy about possessions or activities
14. Personal hygiene has deteriorated
15. Dramatic weight loss
16. Finding drug paraphernalia hidden in the home, pipes, rolling papers, eye drops, butane lighters, soft drink containers made in to pipes, etc.
17. Inhalant products, rags, computer duster, paint, nail polish, paper or plastic bags etc. hidden in the home
18. Truancy and tardiness to school or a job
19. Changes in fashion, hairstyle, use of breath mints, fascination with the drug culture
20. Sudden change in friends, numerous secretive phone calls
21. Use of room deodorant or incense in their room
22. Physically abusive, aggressive, punching holes in walls, etc.
23. Has anyone told you that your child is using drugs?
24. Odd phone calls, sneaking out of the house, etc.

Someone Else To Love

I didn’t want another child. 

When our first son Josh was born in 1981 it was a magical event which changed our lives dramatically and irrevocably.  The so called “honeymoon” period of our early married years, where we only were accountable to ourselves, ended abruptly for now our world revolved around our baby son.   And while I was captivated and obsessed with every sound and movement of this tiny human,jealousy and resentment grew within me toward the interloper who demanded and received undivided attention from his mother…my wife, my lover and my closest friend.

So when Josh was two and my wife suggested that he needed a brother my reaction was strong and selfish, fearful that another child would add to the distance and alienation that had already deeply wounded my pride and self-esteem.  Realizing that my insecurities were being exposed I offered weak excuses for my resistance to the idea of having another child in hopes of deflected attention away from the hurt that I felt.  “I am really happy with one child.  Being an only child is not so bad.  Maybe we should wait a little while longer”, I whined.  But at the core there was an even greater fear which I finally blurted out one evening after we had put Josh to bed.  “What if I don’t have enough love for another child…I don’t know that I can divide my love any more than what I already have between you and Josh.”

What happened next became one of those defining moments of my life when Marissa replied simply that “You won’t have to divide your love between us further you will simply have someone else to love.” Her words had a profound effect on me that day and I willingly put my faith in this new truth. A year later David was born and I will forever be grateful to her for those words of wisdom at a point when self doubt and self centeredness dominated my emotions.

David arrived a year later and was a beautiful boy; a kind and loving child who despite his struggle with substance abuse never lost his warmly affectionate nature and humility.  Since his death at 16 in a drug related drowning I have reflected many times on what life would have been like without David having been born.  His death was also a defining moment and while magical thinking is not a place I go often I have come to believe that if the price I had to pay to have David for his short 16 years was the grief and pain of his loss, then it was without question worth the cost and I would not hesitate to do it again.

I didn’t want another child but the gift of his life did indeed give me someone else to love and cherish now and forever.

The Answering Machine

I wasn't looking for it when I found it.  It was in a place I did not intend to look.

I had just printed out a couple of pictures of Dave from my computer and needed a frame.  It was late...and cold...and spitting snow...and I was too lazy to leave the comfort of my warm house on a January night.  I searched all the closets...under beds...in the basement hoping to find something that would work but to no avail.  I saw a couple of pictures lying un-used on the floor under a bookcase; knelt down and began to feel around under case and a nearby couch...perhaps there were more out of sight long forgotten. I groped blindly and that's when I found it, under the couch, out of sight and...yes...long forgotten. 

It was an old answering machine, long discarded from a time before digital phones and voice-mail...the kind with micro-cassette tapes, one for the greeting and one for the messages... but only the message tape remained.  The power cord was missing and I almost slid it back underneath the couch when I stopped and wondered whose voices might be on this tape.  I wondered because this answering machine was for our second line, the boys line, back when the only way for Mom and Dad to ever make or receive a call in a timely manner was to get the boys their own phone line a sort parental self defense mechanism often employed during the teen years. 

After Dave died from addiction and Josh our older had returned to college the second phone line seemed an unnecessarily painful reminder of how our world had changed forever and we had it disconnected.  However the answering machine was left behind and becoming an appliance without a purpose. And it remained so eventually being shoved under a piece of furniture...untouched for more than six years...silently keeping its messages and words to itself with no one to play them... waiting for me to find it and want to hear them again.

I dug through a seldom used drawer and finally uncovered an old dictation recorder that used the same micro cassettes, found some batteries, headphones and a quiet place to listen.  I closed my eyes and was Instantly catapulted back in time to the days just before Dave died when hope and fear were our constant companions as we worried whether Dave would stay in recovery or relapse; never suspecting that death and tragedy would soon eclispe our worrying making it seem a trifle. 

What unfolded to my thirsty ears were dozens of calls...one right after another all David's friends...girlfriends...using friends...treatment friends and recovery friends.  A cavalcade of voices in scores of emotions; giggling young ladies, gangsta sounding guys and the occaional adult voice all combining to create an enduring audio canvas each becoming a short vingnette adding a different shade to color of this memory.

Hey hon its me...page me or call me at my home when you get home?

Hey dog this is Jake...hit me up when ever you get this.

Hey David its me, I'm calling from class we're not doing anything right now?

Wassup dog...where you been?

Hey David...I am sooo bored right now....hit me back when you get home.

Hey Dave its Mom...just wanted to see if you are up, call when when you get this.

And then...buried in the middle of the messages is the voice I had longed to hear for what seemed an age...prayed to hear...ached to hear...and yet terrified to hear.  Terrified at how it might make me feel...how I might react...where it might take me. 

It was Dave's voice and I hung on every syllable with wonder, fear and heartache.

Mom... Dad if you hear this and are there pick up...pick up....Mom..Dad

Sixteen short words which took barely ten seconds for him to say....ten seconds in which I was swept along on a wave that then crashed me upon the shore of reality leaving me dazed in anguish and yet joy. 

Sixteen words among many on an old answering machine...answering a prayer that once again allowed me to hold my son in my conciousness.   

A Powerful Memory

David got a tattoo about a month before he died.  It was two Chinese characters that Dave claimed the tattoo artist said represented his name.  He was so proud of that tattoo and while his mother had a long standing objection to tattoos generally in the end we were both so glad that we allowed him to get it.

May 2001

About a year ago I asked a colleague Rick Ward at Indiana University Purdue University Indianapolis where I worked if he knew someone familiar with the Chinese language who could verify the meaning of the characters.  He was kind enough to put me in touch with Shiaofen Feng an Associate Professor of Computer and Information Sciences who verified that the characters were indeed the Chinese equivalent of David.

I must admit that I was more than a little relieved to know that they did indeed mean what they were supposed to since they could easliy have been misrepresented to a midwestern boy who had not clue about the Chinese language.  But having the confirmation of its meaning I began to look for ways to  honor this memory.  It came finally in the work of the spouse of one of my wife's cousins Linda Li Dorado.  Linda is second generation Taiwanese and an accomplished artist who with great care and skill created two identical works of art that she framed and then inscribed the words of Robert G. Ingersoll

Download DSCF1611.JPG

In the night of death, hope sees a star, and listening love can hear the rustle of a wing."

What had once been our young son's dream, that was in many ways onerous to his parents at the time...has now become a lovingly crafted work of art that contains a powerful memory for us.

The Holiday Season; A Difficult Time

The holiday season is a treacherous time for those who suffer from addiction and particularly for adolescents and their families.  While those who use drugs and alcohol need little reason reason to abuse substances (often citing the fact that they day of week ends in a "y"), the time between the beginning of holiday break and ending with the resumption of school in the new year is landscape littered with  relapse triggers and temptations.  Being out of school for several weeks coupled with Holiday parties usually produces a rise in the admission of adolescents at drug treatment centers throughout the country.

It was just such a holiday season seven years ago that brought us to the doors of Fairbanks a substance abuse treatment center in Indianapolis.  In the preceding six months we had battled our son David's growing substance abuse  by imposing increasing restrictions and consequences but it was clear we did not have the knowledge or tools to combat his growing disease of addiction.  We needed professional help and so the new year of 2001 we sought knowledge, guidance and hope from the professionals at Fairbanks.

The knowledge, insight and tools we gained in going through treatment with our son have been invaluable to us in the years since despite David's death from addiction in June of 2001.  If we could go back and do things differently we would certainly have gotten David into treatment earlier even though there is no guarantee that the result would have been different.  But the fact remains that families who struggle in dealing with their children's drug abuse the holiday season is a difficult time

No Cause For Celebration

According to the 2007 Monitoring The Future report released last week by the Institute for Social Research at the University of Michigan there continues to be a gradual decline in illicit drug use among 10th and 12th graders across the county.  While the decline since the peak years of the mid-1990s is welcome news it should certainly be no cause for celebration by anyone.  Crystal Meth led the way on the downward trend along with other types of stimulants but marijuana use only slightly declined from 2006 while use of drugs like LSD, heroin, cocaine, crack and opiates saw little of no change.  Political types are always eager to tout substance use declines as evidence of enforcement efforts and declare victory but prevention and treatment professional are less interested in downward trends than problems that are on the rise. 

In 2007, and for the last several years, the abuse of prescription drugs has been steadily on the increase.  That certainly comes as no surprise to any teenager who will tell you that "Pharming" parties (where middle and high school students bring prescription drugs "harvested" from their parents and grandparents medicine cabinets) have become the "Raves" of the first decade of the 21st Century.  And while the problem has grown significantly in recent years public awareness has been slow and the response from the Pharmaceutical Industry has been non-existent.

In my view there is no cause for celebration for declines in substance use....so instead of patting ourselves on the back for this "downward trend", lets take a moment to acknowlegde the current data and then roll up our sleeves and get back to work...there is still so much to be done.