Parent Partners: Making an Impact

Daily Challenges in Recovery

In recovery I have discovered that one of the many things I can depend on is that life will present me daily with challenges that are routinely beyond my control. 

Yet despite my powerless in these matters I have found more often than not, these moments present opportunities for me to increase my spirituality, find inner peace and develop courage.

And its when I discard my fear and embrace my powerlessness that I come to understand that how we faces our challenges can positively determine the very nature of their resolution

Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses.

Forgiving Ourselves

A crucial step in the recovery from addiction is to make a list of people we have harmed and be willing to make amends to them all. In doing so we begin the process of clearing away the wreckage of our past, so that once the mental and emo...tional refuse of our addiction is swept aside, we may begin a new form of existence.

For some, however the person who is most overlooked, or to which an amend is never realized, is the soul that dwells within us. But if we cannot forgive ourselves our own transgressions then we can never be truly free of our past. When we are in the grip of self-pity there is no other prison more grim than our own heart, and no jailer as cruel as our self.

In recovery we must learn that the finest thing in the world is knowing how to belong with and to oneself.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross said once that “People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in their true beauty is revealed only if there is light from within”

So shine tonight, not for others….but for yourself!!

Lessons Learned

In the decade that has followed the loss of our son David to substance abuse the love and support of many have sustained us as we redefined our world without him.  Prominent among them have been his many friends who continue to call, write, email and stop by to see us....most often unannounced.  Today many are married and have children of their own which makes their visits all the more heart warming.

Their loss like ours, in the beginning was deep.  And yet in the midst of it the lessons they and we learned from his death were poignantly inventoried in the following entry of the 2002 Lawrence Central High School Yearbook. The dedicationcontinues to be an  eloquently guide for me as I do my best to live one day at a time without Dave:

David,

Words cannot express the grief that we have felt since losing you.  The void you left in our hearts can only be surpassed by the joy you brought to our lives.  In your life, you made us laugh to the point of tears; in your death the tears we cried for you have been a painful reminder of a lesson that could only be learned at the expense of an insufferable loss.

You have taught us to live everyday as though it could be our last and to love those close to us with a passion we never knew existed.  We reveled in your smile and your endearing eyes, never thinking it could be the last time we saw them.  However, the memory of your smile is enough to help us survive everyday without you.  Whether it be a vivid dream, a brief memory of your laugh, or the slighted tug at our hearts, we are constantly reminded that you are with us always.  We love you David.

And so it goes................

Living Life on Life's Terms? Yes

A sponsee asked me recently “how do we really live life on life’s terms, when it appears at best to be an extraordinarily difficult proposition?” “Yes indeed” I replied, “Difficult yes…but not impossible.”

I went on to say that in recovery I have learned that we must approach each moment of each day with the spirit of hope no matter what  Yes there is suffering in life, there is pain and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. And yes we will lose some of the battles as we struggle for our dreams.

But what we do not see and what most of us never suspect of existing, is the silent but irresistible power which comes to the rescue of those who fight on in the face of discouragement and loss.  For me that is recovery, and the very essence of “living life on life’s term.”

And how long should I continue to try to live life on life’s terms?

Until.

Change

I heard someone say once in a meeting that all change in our lives, even change that we desperately long for, comes with some bit of sadness.  A sadness that is most often borne in the realization, that what we must leave behind is a part of ourselves.  And yet there is also the truism that for everything we lose or miss in our lives, we gain something new and of unquestioned value.

Some times it may be a new level of peace and at other times a new understanding of ourselves or the world around us.  Because ultimately things really don’t change…we do.  The challenge though, for those of us in recovery from addiction, is to be ready at any moment to give up what we are or have been for what we may become.

Dwelling in Possibility

In my recovery from my addiction I no long “wish” for things for myself and others because I have come to feel that the act of wishing for them inherently may contain an underlying expectation which, if unfulfilled, may turn to resentment.

Instead today I find my hope in “possibility” which contains the passionate sense of potential.  Pleasure may and often does disappoints but possibility never does.

Audrey Hepburn said once, “Nothing is impossible…the word itself says         'I'm possible'!

Life and Difficulty

I often marvel at the many new truths my recovery from addiction has revealed and continues to reveal to me on a daily basis.  Early on in the rooms I heard that part of the good news of not using drugs and alcohol was that we “get to experience life the way it is supposed to be experienced.”  However, the admonition goes…”that is also the bad news!!!!”  

 What I understand today is that life indeed can be challenging and extremely difficult at times.  That is a truth, perhaps one of life’s greatest truths. But it is also a great truth that once we understand that life is difficult this knowledge empowers us to transcend it.  And once we accept and transcend it then life is no longer difficult. 

 Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult simply no longer really matters.

Waiting For Life To Begin

For most of my adult years I seemed to continually come upon one crossroad after another that always hindered the attainment of what I thought I really wanted most out of life.  I longed for the path to be easier, less arduous and most of all less painful.  But there always seemed to be something blocking my way, something to over come, to finish, to be repaired or repaid.  All, which in the, end prevented me from realizing what I thought I really wanted…for my life to really begin.

 Yet in my recovery from loss and addiction I have come to realize in the fullness of time that these obstacles WERE my life and that I had been living it all along.  

There are many paths but only one journey.

Compassion and the Recovering Adolescent Addict

For many parents who have a child in the throes of substance abuse or recovery from addiction developing compassion for for them, their using friends and sometimes even ourselves does not come easy. Compassion is difficult in the beginning because it means we must go with others or take ourselves to those dark places where we are weak, vulnerable, lonely, broken and afraid. Compassion of course is rarely our first response to suffering. What we desire most is to do away with suffering by fleeing from it or finding a quick cure for it in denial, anger or resentment.

The Dali Lama says that, “Compassion is not religious business, it is human business, it is not luxury, it is essential for our own peace and mental stability, it is essential for human survival. Without compassion, none of us would long survive.”

How do we get there? Is there some guidebook or strategy for how to develop a sense of compassion? Actually, compassion is much like a developing awareness. We can begin by acknowledging that there are others who are not as fortunate as we and try to find ways to help them out. Maybe it’s with a kind word or act. That doesn’t take too much from us. In fact, by trying to find ways to help others, we benefit as much, if not more, than the recipient. We soon learn that it feels good to show compassion for others. Then, it becomes easier to show compassion. Then, we don’t even need to think about it – we just have it.

SUFFERING AND RECOVERY

When my youngest son died of addiction the suffering that followed darkened my ability to care and be there for those I loved the most…especially my wife and my older son Josh. In the two years that followed I selfishly perpetuated my suffering and self pity with drugs and alcohol until my own addiction brought me such despair and hopelessness that I actually began to thoughtlessly contemplate ending my own life.

I was fortunate that my family encouraged and welcomed my entering treatment for my addiction, and the recovery that followed has not only brought a better life but joy, happiness and hope have replaced the suffering of those early days. Recovery has also brought a deeper self-awareness that I was incapable of before AND the realization that my suffering has played a vital role in this self-discovery.

Helen Keller once said that “All the world is full of suffering. Yet it is also full of overcoming.”

And so it is that in my “Recovery” I have learned the most authentic thing about us as human beings is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.